Revision [11849]
This is an old revision of TheRaid made by BillHamilton on 2010-01-06 13:25:50.
Location: A rural fishing village on the southern coast of Greece.
Alaistar had awoken with the break of day to a warm meal prepared by his mother. Afterwards, his mother took him by the hand and they went down to the shore to meet his father whose small boat, Alaistar knew, had already been bobbing on the waves for hours. Alaistar skipped up and down as his mother hummed an airy tune. Their path through the woods led them to a secluded section of beach - Alaistar's father's special fishing place, away from all the other fishermen. As Alaistar stepped from the treeline and his bare feet hit sand, he released his mother's hand and ran full speed to the edge of the lapping waves. Alaistar called and waived with all his might to his father, who looked up with a broad smile and waived back.
As his father began rowing for shore, Alaistar played tag with the waves. His shouts of joy echoed down the beach, joined by his mother's laughter. By the time Alaistar's father steered his boat onto the shore and dropped his rough-hewn anchor into the sand, Alaistar had soaked himself and his mother. The fisherman leapt from the boat with a hug and a kiss for his wife. Alaistar pulled at his father's pant leg, "Papa." His father reached down and tossed the boy into the air before catching him and giving him a hug and a kiss of his own. The smell of the ocean oozed from his father's auburn skin. Popping the small boy into the boat, Alaistar's father began unloading his baskets of fish onto the beach, while Alaistar scrutinized the wooden oars, rope nets, amd other tools of his father's trade that were littered around the boat. "It's time to go. The market will be starting soon," came his mother's voice a few minutes later. And with that, Alaistar leapt from the boat into his father's waiting arms with a wet splat.
As Alaistar's mother hoisted a basket onto each hip, his father handed him a large fish to carry back to the family hut, laughing as the slimy thing slipped from boy's small grasp. Alaistar's father lifted an enormous basket overflowing with fish onto his own broad shoulders with a grunt and began walking for home. Alaistar quickly snatched the fish from the sand, hugged it with two hands to his chest, and ran to catch up with his parents.
For the next few hours the village bustled with energy as the villagers traded with one another. Alaistar and the other village children giggled as they played hide and seek, chasing each other through the crowd. But as the sun neared its peak in the sky, the energy of the village seemed to slowly evaporate, and during the hottest part of the day everyone retreated into their huts. As the midday meal simmered over a small fire, Alaistar's parents played games with him. They would rest until dark, when the villagers came together and socialized around the evening fire.
Alaistar's father carried his son back into the family's hut. After a long day followed by the evening fire, the boy's small body was exhuasted. He was asleep and mumbling even before his mother had the chance to give him a soft peck on the forehead. But though his body rested, Alaistar's mind continued to race. The stories shared around the evening fire that night, and many from nights before, began to replay themselves through the boy's dreams. Visions of ancient warriors and sensual goddesses played in his head. In each dream, Alaistar played a new part, and rescued a new maiden. But in the end, the life he most longed for came into his mind's eye - a image of Alaistar tall and strong like his father, grown, and rowing his own boat with powerful arms back to shore with loads of fish in the bottom. In his final dream that night he could clearly see his parents at the edge of the water, waiting. His mother wore a brilliant smile and his father waived to him. Alaistar focused on the happiness in their faces, however, his mother's mouth began to distort. The smile faded from her lovely face and she began to scream - her whole face started to melt as her beautful voice contorted from a gentle laugh into a powerful cry and pierced the peacefulness of the vision.
Alaistar jolted awake, already covering his ears. The cries of his mother still rang in his ears as he looked about the hut. He saw a large man dressed in metal holding his mother roughly at the elbow and trying to pull her from the home. Alaistar tried to wipe the sleep from his eyes, unsure if he was still dreaming. Another cry came from Alaistar's mother and Alaistar saw her spit in her attacker's face and then kick him in the groin as he tried to clean his eyes. The man dropped in a heap and his mother darted back into the hut. Alaistar stretched his arms towards his mother, crying out, "Mama!" but she did not rush to her son's side. Confusion and fear swelled in Alaistar. He watched his mother moved towards some ongoing struggle on the floor, and for the first time he saw that there were two men fighting on the ground.
Alaistar's father wrestled with another armored man. He struggled valiently, but the other man was much larger and it was clear, even to the small boy, that the fisherman would soon lose to the soldier. Tears welled in Alaistar's eyes, but the boy only stared from his sleeping mat, paralyzed - not knowing how to help, and too scared to move. As the man began to bludgeon his father with his metal-clad arm, Alaistar's mother entered the fray, using two hands to bring her weaving stool crashing down onto the back of the large man's frame, wood splintering over the invader's back and shoulders, ending the fight. Alaistar's father pushed the limp body to the side and leapt to his feet, his arm moving instinctively to staunch the flow of blood from his head, pushing hard with his palm against the wound. Both of Alaistar's parents rushed toward their son, and his mother pulled the stunned boy from his mat and took him into her arms. Alaistar's eyes were already overflowing, but for a moment he felt relief in his mother's arms. His father led the way to the door of the hut, pulling a metal poker from the cooking fire as they advanced.
As the family neared the door, the soldier that had attacked Alaistar's mother pulled himself to his feet and charged the entire family, brandishing his sword. Quicker on his feet than his armored opponent, Alaistar's father dodged the first blow and thrust the poker into the man's eye with a sizzle and a pop. The shrieking was so loud that Alaistar covered his ears, but the muffled cries still pierced him as the man collapsed again, feebly grasping at the shaft of the poker. Alaistar's mother lifted a hand to shield the boy's eyes from the gore, but it was too late. Alaistar stared, transfixed. As his father bent down and hefted the abandoned sword awkwardly in his fist, another soldier crossed the threshold.
With the intruder's sword poised high to strike Alaistar and his mother, Alaistar's mother turned her back to their attacker in an effort to protect her son from the killing blow. Looking over his her shoulder, Alaistar watched as his father jumped into the path of the falling blade, the fisherman never moving to raise his own. With a spurt of blood, the metal sunk deep into his abdomen. Alaistar's mother whirled back to face their attacker and screamed at the sight of her husband dropping to his knees, his body cleaved almost in two. Alaistar felt his mother's arms loosen and he fell to his feet. "RUN Alaistar, RUN!" she yelled as she shoved Alaistar toward the door, and launched herself at the murderer who had just slayed his father, digging her fingernails deep into his eyes. Alaistar looked up this new battle, his feet frozen in place, watching as blood began to course from the soldier's eye sockets and down his cheeks. "RUN, Alaistar!" At his mother's renewed order, Alaistar felt power flow back into his limbs and he ran from his home and into the night.
The world blurred around Alaistar as he sprinted through the village. The entire village swirled in chaos. Villagers ran in every direction - some turned to fight their attackers, but those that did were quickly cut down. With most of village huts on fire, the night was powerless to hide the carnage. Alaistar moved away from the huts and into the darkness of the trees. Without thought he ran to the beach using the same path he had walked with his parents that morning. As he exited woods and crested the highest dunes, Alaistar froze once more, suprised to find himself blinking into an unexpected light. Torches peppered the coast, and when his vision cleared Alaistar could see a dozen rowboats lining the shore. In the distance, two large ships bobbed on the ocean. Alaistar stood in awe at these ships that dwarfed his father's fishing boat.
With the thought of his father, Alaistar looked back towards the village and ran back into the darkness towards home. But after taking only a few steps, he felt rough hands wrap around him and jerk him into the air. Crying out, Alaistar tried to fight, but his arms were pinned hard against his own chest and his legs could find no purchase. Alaistar's captor turned him and crushed him hard again his armored chest. Alaistar pushed against his captor with his head and arms, but it was as if pushing a mountain. His frustrated efforts turned his panic into a cry of rage in his throat. Suddenly, he felt himself sink, along with his captor, as the soldier stepped into the soft sand. He knew he was being carried back onto the beach. Struggling wildly, Alaistar kicked and yelled through his tears. He wanted to bite the man who held him, but his teeth only scraped metal. The heavy armor made it difficult for his captor to move gracefully in the sand and for a moment Alaistar's efforts threatened to topple them both. The man spoke harshly in a language Alaistar did not understand, but what could only have been a curse. He crushed Alaistar even harder against his metal body, knocking the wind from the boy and causing a stab of pain to sear through his body. The soldier continued forward and when Alaistar had caught his breath once more he saw that they were among the lighted torches. Finally, Alaistar's captor pulled Alaistar away from the armor with both hands and held the boy aloft. The man sneered at Alaistar with yellowed teeth. Mimicking his mother's act of defiance Alaistar spat into the soldier's craggy face with all the force he could muster. With a grunt, Alaistar's captor threw the boy hard into a rowboat. As his head bounced off the wooden gunwale, for an instant, Alaistar saw the faces of his parents in his mind's eye, and then he slipped into darkness. For a moment he floated in nothingness and then he saw a vision of himself: a warrior, as strong as Heracles, storming back to the village and into the home to rescue his family.
I like it, the only part that I would change is the last paragraph, it ends kind of flat, I think that he can be knocked out a bit ealier and still get the same effect. not sure what you mean. Are you saying it's too abrupt? are you suggesting expanding the description? or reworking the order - having him knocked out and then having a dream about rescuing his parents?
I like it too. It flows better than I remember with a more logical transition between events. There are some grammatical things that need some editing - happy to mark those if you like but I bet you'd find them on another read through. The only other thing I would mention is that you use Alaistar's name a lot to describe people or just 'the man' a lot where you also use soldiers - might think about trying to trim those down or use some different words (not the man but attacker - mercenary - beast - figure - whatever) as it gets a little repetitive to me when reading Alaistar's name over and over. i did see a bunch of grammer things - i think i changed them - but don't ever hesitate to fix pure grammer/typo stuff. if it might be substantive or style just do the strikethrough thing and add your revision suggestion and i'll take a look (that's if you want to - of course). I'll work on the repetive stuff. Your suggestions for the attacker/slaver are good. Any for the parents? Keep in mind this narrative, though it may not be clear in the narrative itself, is designed to be a a recurring dreams of Alaistar's -- his first recollecation later on his village and one of very vew altogether (i think he has some other really vague impressions of things, but this is the most detail he has). and so he doesn't know his parents names so I can't put them in - see what i mean? thoughts?
Also, at first you have them going through a forest to get to the beach - then at the end you have him running over dunes after going down the same path - just seems inconsistent... it's a trail through the forest/woods, but the trail lets out onto dunes and it's down the dunes to the rest of the beach/ocean, i've made an edit - tell me if that made it clearer
