Revision [9103]
This is an old revision of TheRaid made by BillHamilton on 2009-09-05 12:30:11.
Date: 627 CE - Early Summer
Location: A rural fishing village on the southern coast of Greece.
Images danced through Alaistar's mind as he relived the day, smiling, in his dreams. Waking with the break of day to a warm meal prepared by his mother. His mother taking him by the hand and walking down to the shore. Alaistar calling and waving with all his might to his father, whose small boat had already been bobbing on the waves for hours. Alaistar's father waved back with a broad smile and returned to shore with hugs and kisses for his wife and child, and baskets of fish. As Alaistar's mother hoisted a basket onto eaach hip Alaistar's father handed one large fish to carry back to the family hut. His father laughed as the slimy thing slipped from Alaistar's small grasp. Alaistar's father lifted an enormous basket over flowing with fish onto his own shoulders with a grunt and began walking for home. Alaistar quickly snatched the fish from the sand, hugged it with two hands to his chest and ran to catch up with his parents.
For the next few hours the village bustled with energy as the villagers traded with one another. But during the hottest part of the day everyone retreated into their huts. As the midday meal simmered over a small fire Alaistar's parents played games with him. They would rest until evening until the villagers came together and socialized
Late one night Alaistar's village is raided by slavers. Alaistar is awoken by the cries of his mother. A large man dressed in metal has grabbed her by the elbow and is pulling her from the family's home. Alaistar's mother spits in the man's face and then kicks him in the groin as he wipes his eyes. As his mother moves back into the home Alaistar sees for the first time that there are two men fighting on the ground. Alaistar's father is wrestling with another armored man. He struggles valiently, but the other man is much larger and it's clear the fisherman will soon lose to the soldier. Alaistar's's mother brings a solid wooden chair crashing down onto the back of the large man's frame - ending the fight. Alaistar's father leaps to his feet and both of Alaistar's parents move toward Alaistar - pulling the stunned boy from his sleeping mat. Alaistar's mother takes Alaistar into her arms and the family moves towards the door of their hut with Alaistar's father leading the way. They pause as Alaistar's father bends down to pick up the sword laying next to his unconscious foe. As he takes hold of the weapon the man Alaistar's mother disabled recovers from the earlier attack and charges at Alaistar and his mother with his sword poised high for a strike. Acting on instinct Alaistar's father jumps into the swinging blade, never raising his own sword. With a spurt of blood, metal sinks deep into his abdomen. Alaistar's mother screams and drops Alaistar to his feet yelling, "RUN Alaistar, RUN!" She shoves Alaistar to the door and Alaistar sees his mother attack the man who slayed his father - her fingers digging deep into his eyes. "RUN, Alaistar!" With that Alaistar turns into the night and runs as fast has his legs will carry him. As he flees the village swirls around him in chaos. Villagers run in every direction - some turn to fight their attackers, but those that do are quickly cut down. With most of village huts on fire, the night hides none of the carnage. Alaistar moves away from the huts and into the darkness. Without thought he runs towards the beach. As he crests the dunes he freezes in awe - finding himself in the light once more: torches pepper the coast; a dozen rowboats line the shore; and in the distance two large ships bob on the ocean. Alaistar stands motionless in awe - thinking only how these large ships dwarf his father's own fishing boat. Alaistar looks back towards the village. As he moves into the darkness he is grabbed by rough hands. He cries out and tries to fight, but his arms are pressed tights against his own chest and his legs can find no purchase as he is lifted into the air. Alaistar is carried back onto the beach and loaded into a row boat.
kel - the part i have greened i don't really like . . . so pay particularly close attention to that but feel free to comment on all of it.
I don't have a problem with anything that happens. Stylistically though its very disjointed, it has no pace and, I think would be better if broken up into different paragraphs with more pauses in between.
well, it started out being just a summary. and then sort of morphed into a psuedo narrative . . . you think i should reduce it into a simple summary or more fully develop it into a complete narrative? Okay - so, not sure if this is obvious, but I've decided to turn it into a narrative . . . will rework. I, as always, am open to any suggestions you have (you know - something more specific than "it's very disjointed and has no pace"). I think pace my be a problem as it's a very short narrative - do you have any suggestions for something to add to make it longer or do you think I can improve case without adding much action?
I dont think you need action to add pace, you need discription and timing.
I still think its pace, I think most of the problem is that you started with a summary, and then go to a narative. It lacks a clear perspecitve, which I think would help it. I think its a good outline, but just needs more description, and pace.
